We Are Girls With Anxiety

God & Man

The type that experiences emotional exhaustion we can’t even explain because we spend so much time thinking and planning and overthinking and apologizing and replaying scenarios in our minds wondering about different outcomes.

The type that has calendars booked and appointments set months in advance. The type who has everything color coded and organized and on some list that we always seem to accomplish even if it means losing sleep to get whatever we need done. We’d rather do that than ever disappoint anyone or disappoint ourselves. The type that never says no to people. The type that is always on time or speeding to get there so we are, as we curse at red lights under our breath.

The type that stays up at night and doesn’t sleep more than 5-6 hours because our minds never stop racing. We replay the past like it’s some catchy true that gets stuck in our head and we can’t stop. Fixated upon the past and people we might have wronged, wishing we could say sorry even if it wasn’t entirely our fault.

The type that ruins relationships before they can even begin because we are so afraid of getting hurt again or led on and messed with. Maybe we manifest our fears to become reality. Because we worry so much. We are the types who are so careful with everything we do and say like a single wrong text could ruin a potential relationship. The girls who sit by their phone waiting for a response and that minor delay kills us inside. We answer quickly no matter what because that’s just what we do. We don’t play hard to get because that’s not how we operate.

The type that questions how someone feels. The type that needs reassurance even though that comes across as needy. We manage our expectations by trying to not get excited about a date because we know they can cancel last minute but at the same time, we are looking forward to it.

The type that spends way too much time thinking why something ended and was it our fault. Replaying everything. Maybe we came on too strong. Because girls with anxiety take complete ownership of everything even if it’s not ours to claim.

The type that tries a little too hard sometimes. Cares a little too much. Has every best intention but is still figuring out how to express that clearly. We fixate upon flaws we wish we could change only to realize this thing is with us and probably has been for a while now.

We strive for perfection beating ourselves up every time we fall short. The Overachievers. The goodie goodies. The one who always excelled in things and everyone said we made it look easy. Little did they know how hard we were on ourselves. How much sleep we lost to achieve these things. Our self-worth is defined by our accomplishments and if we aren’t excelling or coming in first we consider that a failure. We associate happiness with achievement. But there’s this taunting voice that tells us we are bound to fail and lose everything we have. Then that fear triggers procrastination and we add more stress to our lives doing things last minute.

Wanting only to be liked and accepted even though we struggle greatly to find that within ourselves. We play it cool in a social setting but under the surface, we wonder if what we said was stupid. We wonder if everyone is staring at us or is it just in our head. We wonder if anyone even wants us here.

Thinking we have to overcompensate to get people to like us so we try really hard and go over the top for people we care about because sometimes we wonder if being ourselves is enough and if that’s okay.

Triggered by the fear of people leaving. Because when they do we always fall apart. Whether it’s friends or relationships we wonder why didn’t they stay? Why didn’t they care enough to? What could have done? And what can I still do to fix this?

Fixing things that aren’t even real problems anywhere else but in our head.

The type who enjoys drinking once in awhile but worries we’ll overdo it saying slurred words we regret. We wake up reliving the night before swearing the drunk version of who we are is going to be what makes us lose all of our friends. It’s the moral hung over that’s worse than the actual one. In the moment we swear we’re fine because being drunk is the closest we come to living without anxiety. But eventually that fades away and it’s back to the reality.

The ones who need things over-explained. The ones who sometimes need proof of what you’re saying. Not because we don’t trust you but anxiety makes us believe we can’t. Needing someone who is going to be two steps ahead of the thoughts we have and not be angry with us when we ask questions.

Ones who struggling with communicating things but try so hard to say everything so clearly. Most conversations will start with an apology. Something we thought long about. Needing someone who knows how to bring us down in moments we start spiraling. Someone who knows exactly what to say and do to calm us down.

The ones who make up scenarios in our mind just so we are prepared with how we should respond just in case. The ones who anticipate endings just so we are not surprised. The ones who expect the worst of everyone and everything and still strive to give our best.

The type who lacks confidence in basic decisions because we think too much about them. Struggle to find a balance of acceptance within us. We are our own worst enemies and harshest critics.

Overcome with irrational fears that almost bring us to our knees if we think about it too much. The type of girls who wonder too much if we locked the door or turned off the oven and we can’t rest until we know the things that need to be taken care of are.

We think about the future. We dwell in the past and struggle to live in the moment. And we hate ourselves for living like that.

The type who wants to control everything because this part of our lives feels so outside our control. Honestly we don’t trust too many people to do something right so we take it upon ourselves.

then things don’t go according to our plan or someone isn’t on time our heart races a little quickly. We do a double a take looking at our watch. We uncontrollably break down because all we want are things to go right according to this plan we have in our mind. And even though we nothing ever goes as planned we still try.

And the root of these feelings is just simply caring. We never want to hurt someone’s feelings or disappointment them or do anything that makes anyone else uncomfortable or unhappy. So we try. We try entirely too hard and feel everything entirely too deeply. We watch a little too close to the things people say and how they act. We pick up on the smallest of signs that something might change. We hate change but we do our best to roll with the punches.

Whose favorite word is I’m sorry.

And as we struggle to accept this part of ourselves we’re in awe of those who love us unconditionally in the moments we think we’re unlovable and being completely irrational.

Read more: https://thoughtcatalog.com/kirsten-corley/2017/11/we-are-girls-with-anxiety/